.........might have been an overly confident statement Manager Barrett would have made in the bar last Thursday buoyed by the clean sweep of results achieved that night.
In reality..the tension was getting to him.....the fixture list had been analysed....permutations had been permutated....he even thought about complaining to the fixture secretary about the fact that arch rivals Dick 'n' Balls had been drawn to play Group A duffers 'Taking the Michael' TWICE....a stiff letter had been drafted (on cardboard) and signed by disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.
The teams had been selected based on the perceived strength of the opposition. Key players had been hassled to abandon important business meetings, cancel vital operations and dump any partners who interfered with their attendance. No stone had been left unturned. Manager B was confident he'd done everything he could do to enhance the A.Dodger's chances of making final nights.
So what happened in the run up to first game? Our two biggest hitters had work commitments and after I'd sent a very detailed fixtures list to everyone else I has confronted by statements such as "Who are we playing?", "What time do we start? I haven't left the office yet!" and "Do we have to wear those bloody flat caps again?".
It's difficult running a Dodgeball team. Which is why Manager Barrett's drunken claims the previous week proved to surprisingly prophetic. Whereas the Awful Dodger's may have been lacking in the super skills, fitness and sometime gamesmanship of SWAT. We have a strong and reliable squad bound together by commitment, camaraderie and the opportunity to drink cheap beer and play 'free' ping pong at the end of the evening.
Something Dick 'n' Balls and Bad Balls Inc. clearly lack. With three places up for grabs amongst five teams for finals night, no-shows from two of the contenders meant that the Awful Dodger's job was made easier. But we still had to win a few games.
So how did we do? With the format reduced to a one set winner takes all (unless you draw) format. There was no room for complacency.
Set 1: v The First Timers
On paper the match against the First Timers was going to be our closest game and therefore a 'must win'. The First Timers were lying 4th in their division with a finals night place to secure for themselves as well. With this in mind and a strong start needed a strong side was sent out. But was it really necessary? The First Timers were either lacking key players or the standard of the Group A was as expected shockingly poor in comparison to the opposition we had faced in our own league. A disciplined, if unspectacular performance from the team saw a comfortable victory. We were on our way! There weren't many highlights in this game and I ashamed to say that I harangued the referee at one time to send off some poor girl who had dropped a catch off my own throw and forgotten to walk. Oh dear...that's Bad Boys Inc. territory, but I couldn't risk British stiff upper lip compromising our chances.
Result: WIN
Set 2: v The Hothams
Lying bottom of Group A and having previously been trounced by Group B whipping boys, The Jammie Dodgers, this was always going to be a formality. It would be easy to degrade the Hothams for their lack of Dodgeball ability, but The Awful Dodgers are not about that. The fact that they had turned up week in, week out to get thrashed and clearly still enjoyed it, is to be celebrated. The Hothams squad also includes one of the most diverse age ranges of all of the teams which leads me to suspect (until further research) that they are a family team.
Sideline observer and wannabe Awful Dodgers 1st Team coach, Jason Coggles, commented that this match was "one of our worst and most painful victories to watch". Tough words Jason but you were not faced with the same moral dilemmas that faced the players on court.
They were: "How hard should I throw a Dodgeball at a woman who is old enough to be my mother?"
"Is this another 'Jammie Dodgers' defeat in the making? and
"How many times do I have to catch the ball to let Jeff back in only to see him DROP ANOTHER EASY CATCH?"
Hats off to Jeff (and by this time most of the Dodger's had already discarded of their ever shrinking Primark Flat caps) that performance will probably go down as one of the singularly most terrible showings in a set by one player in Awful Dodger's history.
RESULT: WIN
Set 3: v Danger Moose
With the Opium Addicted Chinamen having lost their first match, a couple of victories under our belts, and the two no-shows from close rivals, one point is all we needed to finish 3rd in the league and guarantee a finals night performance. However, defeat would have put us in the awkward situation of facing a last match 'must win'.
Confident in his squad Manager Barrett retired to the bar and pint in hand, witnessed one of the most exciting games of Dodgeball the Awful Dodger's have ever played in. Placed 2nd in Group A having only lost two matches, Danger Moose should have been too much for us.
Did they underestimate the Awful Dodgers and field a weakened side or was the standard of Group A really that poor?
The AD dominated the early proceedings before it became clear that they had failed to eliminate Danger Mooses star player. A succession of catches by 'Chief Moose' left the teams back on even terms and when Jason saw one of his shots simultaneously dropped, caught, re-dropped and regained by TWO of the opposition, the balanced swung in the oppositions favour. It was then that Jeff, no doubt shamed by his prior shocking performance, stepped up to the plate and dragged the team back into the game with a vital catch followed by a couple of key hits.
In the dying seconds the game was 2 on 2 and the cry went up that a Moose had been hit. The referee didn't spot it, a draw was declared and the Awful's trudged off caught complaining about being robbed.
Meanwhile, on the sidelines, Manager Barrett was safe in the knowledge that the point gained was enough to secure a finals night place. Something he'd neglected to tell his team! It was good to see the competitive fire still burnt bright in the souls of the players.
Had that not been the case I would have no doubt, thrown my pint aside, stormed on court pointing at my (non-existent) watch, whilst my ever reddening face yelled at the referee. Just like Man. Utd. supremo 'Sir Whiskey Nose' himself.
RESULT: TIE (and finals night qualification)
Again, preferring the bar, I sent the team out safe in the knowledge our goals had been achieved.
Again, they didn't know it!
Set 4: v De Capita
Third from bottom of a poor league De Capita, the only company side in the competition, should have been easy pickings. However, despite only turning up with four players De Capita's management had shown some vital tactical skills by negotiating with Group A 'SWAT' wannabes Ball Busters to borrow a couple of players for each of their matches. The result was an unjust defeat for the AD. The most notable events of the game were Laurent gaining Dodgeball karma but hitting someone else in the happy sack following his pain against SWAT and fittingly Vi, being the last Dodger standing as she had been in our first ever outing.
In my humble opinion, the victory for De Capita was a hollow one. As a previously lower league side, if they make finals night as a result of their ringers, do they seriously expect Ball Busters to lend them the same players again? Methinks not.
RESULT: LOST
Bring on finals night!!
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