Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Awful Dodgers live up to name instead of reputation

Apologies for the delay on this match report. Dedicated followers would have already noted that I have updated the results page, which would have provided a more than adequate explanation for my lack of enthusiasm to post this weeks report.

Warning: This posting is not for the feint-hearted. Sensitive Awful Dodger fans should look away now.

With high hopes bolstered by last week's perfect set of the results the Awful Dodgers arrived a T47 with a strut in their step, a couple of keen debutants and I had the lethargy of a hungover man. Read below to seehow our our elevated title hopes came crashing to the floor like the ceiling of a Commonwealth Games weightlifting venue, or nearby bridge.

Its difficult to write this but it is my duty to report on both victory and defeat.

To paraphrase Rudyard Kipling.

"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same..................
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Dodgeball Legend!"
Game One: v Bad Balls
Our clash with Bad Balls should have been an extension of last weeks good form setting us nicely for a top of the table clash against SWAT. However, my decision to throw the new kids in straight away left us exposed and we never got going. The worst thing about the defeat was the bad taste the Bad Balls left in our mouths. Especially Jason. After a sterling effort by Mr Coggles in the first set Jason was left fuming when a 'hit' he made on the oppositions 'self-appointed' best player was missed by the referee and said player failed to play in the spirit of Dodgeball and 'walk'. We have a new nemesis and JC is already itching for revenge in the return fixture. Karma, however, can always be trusted to make a swift appearance and in their next game when Bad Balls' cheat in chief received a hefty shot in the family jewels to everyone's amusement.
Honourable mentions to Jason and Caroline for being the last player dodging in each set.
In truth, we could have beaten this lot. We'll be going in full strength against them

Result: Awful Dodgers 0 Bad Balls 2

Game 2: SWAT
\We didn't expect much from this team in terms of favours and we weren't disappointed. SWAT are clearly the best side in the league made up of ultra competitive softball players. The main pre-match excitement was the anticipation of encountering their boss Dodgeball Mourinho.
In the bar before the game it looked for a momment that DM was ditching his coaching role to lead by expample and play with his team. However, this assumption was proved wrong when it turned out that he had decided to ditch the sharp suit in favour of showing solidarity with his team by wearing their colours.
As for the game, the first set was encouraging as our strongest side found themselves very quickly 4-2 players up. However, a mix of total shock amongst our troops and dogged resistance from SWAT meant that the tables were swiftly turned. the 2nd set went to form for another straight sets defeat. Depressing as it sounds, this performance was the most encouraging as it showed that when we're on our game. With a little discipline we can really push the top sides.

Result Awful Dodgers 0 SWAT 1

v The Jammie Dodgers
Oh, Oh Dear, Oh Dear.....This was depressing. I'm not sure that if its because the JDs are the worst team in the league whom we easily beat last week. Or the fact that after a poor start and team changes we got ourselves back into the match and had a chance to close it out but blew it. A lack of organisation let the JD's secure their first ever victory. Albeit because of a few missed decisions by an inexperienced ref, but we shouldn't complain, the JD's play to the true spirit of Dodgeball and are a decent bunch. It took me a good couple of jugs of beers to blot this from my memory. Embarrassing.

Result: Awful Dodgers 1 Jammie Dodgers 2

So what did we learn? I always like to take positives from bad days at the office.

This weeks were:
I will be taking on board Jason's recommendation to rotate the squad in between sets.
We can give SWAT a good game if we raise our game.
Bad Balls are beatable.
I won't be turning up hungover in future, I put my hands up, I was hopeless this week.
We help make the Jammie Dodgers night.

Until next time. A 3 week "mid-season" break will hopefully allow us to recharge our batteries and come back stronger.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Team News: 23rd September

Game order to be confirmed.

Vi, Jason, Steve, Alex B, John, Fred

v  Bad Balls
Steve, Vi, Jason, Laurent, Caroline, Jamie

v Jammie Dodgers (not our most inexperienced side, but the JD's are terrible, we should still have enough to win. Murray's in to assure there's a heavy hitter on court just in case things get messy!)
Laurent, Caroline, Jamie, Alex, John, Fred

Teams: subject to change.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Clean Sweep For Awful Dodgers!

For those sports fans  in boring desk jobs, who spend their work days vicariously living their sporting dreams through the news feed of the BBC Sport web-site, the 16th September 2010 was a sad day. Cricket legend, and pedalo hirer's worst nightmare, Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff announced his retirement from all forms of cricket. The people's champion all-drinking all-rounder is a sad loss to the the UK's sporting tradition.

However fame's finger is notoriously fickle and a vacancy was created for some new sporting legend to fill the void......its just so happened that on that same day, in the little known indoors sporting venue of T47 tucked under the railway arches of London Bridge station, some pretenders to the crown staked their claim.

'The Awful Dodgers' made their long awaited debut in the Dodgeball UK London Premier League (of London).

In the early days of Flintoff's career he acquired the nickname of "Freddie" deriving from a combination of a lazy journalist's loose grap of alliteration and his resemblances in baulk to the Hanna-Barbara cartoon hero "Fred Flintstone". The "Awful Dodger's had an answer. In James "Blackdog" Blackmore and Ladywell's own John "Monster" Murray they provided  two new sporting hero's with rocket arms and imposing physique. Jason Coggles, with his self imbued nickname of 'Twinkle Toes' even provided some artistic bedrock to the Dodgers squad with visions of Flintstone's infamous bowling run-up.

Flat Caps distributed, trousers torn and 'soot' applied we were ready for battle.

v The Jammie Dodgers
V.Luu, K.Winter, R.Sugden, S.Barrett, J.Murray, J.Coggles

Formed by an invitee to the Dodger's fold, whom so enthused by the idea of Dodgeball,  went off and formed her own team, the JDs provided the ADs with an instant grudge match. Trash had been talked. The Jammie Dodger's had threatned to cause the Awful dodger's to crumble in their presence.

It turned out that  Jammie Dodger's could not rely on luck alone. The JD's showed less resistance than a Rich Tea biscuit dunked in a scalding cup of tea than any glorified jam sandwich.

The Awful Dodger's ran out easy 2-0 winners in a game only notable for J.Murray's 'friendly fire' attack on the back of Twinkle Toes head. Thankfully own goals are not yet recognised in the Dodgeball rulebook.

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Jammie Dodgers 0

v The Opium Addicted China Men
K.Winter, S.Barrett, J.Murray, J.Blackmore, L.Robin, E.Pearce

The OAD beat the Awful Dodger's hands down in one sense. Their silk gowns and chop- stick hair accessories put our Chimney Sweep Primark costume's firmly into place. These guys were taking Dodgeball seriously.

Fortunately, the drug of victory, was still solidly pumping through the veins of the Awful Dodger's and in a game, that often threatened to sway too and throw, was wrapped up by the Dodger's in another 2-0 victory. However, make no mistake, the Opium Addicted China Men showed definite signs of waking from torpor and are expected to improve. Our next meeting is eagerly anticipated.

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Opium Addicted China Men 0

v Can't Dodge This
v V.Luu, J.Coggles, R.Sugden, J.Blackmore, L.Robin, E.Pearce

 C.D.T. (as well as being my worst subject at school) proved the most disappointing team in terms of costume. Printed t-shirts, face make-up and oriental gowns were sadly lacking from a team that should have promised over-sized baggy trousers. With captain Steven Barrett sitting this one out the sidelines the Awful Dodgers were briefly thrown into confusion by the lack of MC Hammer influence on the C.D.T. Our primary tactic of shouting "Stop" - taking out the entire team with dodgeball's as they froze - and then calling "Hammer Time" to witness them waking up bemused from their 1990 hip-hop coma - had been blown out of the water.

Instead school boy errors crept in, most notably, when Fred attempted an ill-advised catch around his ankles. His explanation in the bar afterwards?
"I was trying to create a distraction, giving my teammates an opportunity to attack, but they just shook their heads and tutted"
 was forgiven as more great team work lead to a comfortable victory. This despite one member of the C.D.T. repeatedly defying the very meaning of her team's name. Well played!

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Can't Dodge This 0

3 wins out of 3 are figures Freddie wouldn't have sniffed at. A enormously encouraging show of teamwork by the inaugral Awful Dodgers. In tribute to Andy F, many celebration jugs of beer were consumed in T47's bar afterwards. At one point it looked like Mark Skyes (Chief cheerleader and dodgeball hooligan) would head the team towards the locally moored Golden Hinde, pull anchor, and sail for Gillingham.

Thankfully that never happened. Instead next week holds some truly tougher tests including a potential top of the table clash against SWAT and the opportunity to pit my wit's against the now infamous 'Dodgeball Mourinho'.

A historic moment. The Awful Dodger's line up for their first match

Jason and Vii prepare for battle.

Steve delivers a last minute pep talk

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

The Awful Dodger's New Badge

What do you think? I love it.
Big Thanks to Meg MacDonald for coming up with this design.
Now to get some funds together for some t-shirts!!

Player Interview 2: Fred Pearce

Player profile:
Fred Pearce
Nickname: Fred the Head
Age: 32
Place of Birth: Kent
Nationality: English
Profession: Fireman
How recruited: Brockley Massiv/Duress
Special Move: Triple Salchow Piledrive Dodge

Hi Fred. Congratulations, you're part of the Awful Dodger's first competitive squad. What does this mean to you? What do you think you can add to the team?
It is a huge honour to be asked to play. In terms of adding to the team, I really think that my pasty white legs combined with fluorescent lighting could be a real distraction for the opposition.

You witnessed the awesome power of 'Dangerous' Brain Dimitriew at the taster sessions. How will his return to Canada affect the team and should we be recruiting more Canucks to improve our chances of success?
Brian Damage was a bit special. A player like him comes around once a generation. However the Awful Dodgers are not built around big name international signings. We will miss his throwing arm, unlike that poor woman in the 'taster' session. I didn't think she'd get up. Maybe it's for the best, I'm sure the Ottawa Dodgeball Courts will soon have an A+E department built in.
Some schools are famous for providing captains of industry, others for their contributaions to the arts. Having attended the same school as the captain of the Awful Dodgers what qualities did Tunbridge Wells Grammar School for Boys install in a young Steven that will hopefully make him an all-time-great Dodgeball Captain?
Steven has qualities that normal people just don't have. I think I'd better leave it there.'s time for the Awful Dodgers awfully dodgy questions.

What’s the dodgiest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Its hard to say but maybe I shouldn't have eaten the shellfish when I was flying that plane.

What’s the dodgiest film you’ve ever seen?
Definitely the Runaway Bride. It really was a poor man's Pretty Women.

Who is  the dodgiest person you know and why?
Have you met The Awful Dodgers ex NFL quarterback John Murray?

The Artful Dodger was a famous pickpocket. What was the last thing you stole? (be honest, within reason!)
Naturally, I have never stolen anything. I was tempted by the ashtrays that said 'Stolen from Virgin Cinemas' on the bottom. I wasn't sure if it was a clever marketing ploy.

On a scale of 1-10. (1 being ‘not at all’, 10 being ‘to the extreme’) How dodgy are you?

Trash talking from our first opponents.............

If a football team are critcised in the newspapers the best way to motivate players is sometimes to plaster the walls of the dressing rooms with the offending press cuttings. Let their words motivate us to victory!

Jammie Dodger Captain Sarah has sent this message to Thursday's team.

"So, on the eve of the Awful Jammie clash I daresay the Awful Dodgers are quivering in their Primark caps.

After a week of build-up and preparation the Jammie Dodgers are fully prepared to take on the so rightfully named Awful Dodgers.

Crumbling with excitement and enthusiasm our team will no doubt take down any dodger that chooses to stand to the challenge. With a wealth of jammy tactics up our sleeves I hope the Awful Dodgers know what they're letting themselves in for...

Awful Dodgers, you're going down and it's going to be one sticky ending!"

I'm rising above it all but if you'd like to respond to Sarah Skyte's comments. Please feel free to do so in limerick form.

Monday, 13 September 2010

Next Team Line Up

Its what we've all been waiting for. Apologies to anyone is interested and hasn't heard much from me. I realised about a week ago that I'd overbooked by making too many promises. I'll try and make sure everyone who wants to play gets a game at some point. Hopefully the numbers will stack up.

v The Jammie Dodgers
Vi Luu, Jason Coggles, Steven Barrett, John Murray, Kayla Winter, Robert Sugden

v The Opium Addicted China Men
Kayla Winter, James Blackmore (or Alexandra Bono), Laurent Robin, Robert Sugden, John Murray, Fred Pearce

v Can't Dodge This
Vi Luu, James Blackmore (or Alexandra Bono), Laurent Robin, Jason Coggles, Steven Barrett, Fred Pearce

1st Reserve: Alexandra Bono (James is looking decidedly shaky for Thursday, I will know by Tuesday.)

Teams subject to change (if people turn up late)

Sunday, 12 September 2010

'The Awful Dodgers' relegated already!!

Hi guys,

W haven't played a game yet but we find ourselves in Group B!

Due to some last minute entrants into the league there will now be 2 groups of 8 teams.
The bad news is that we have a few less games.

The good news is that the number of teams who qualify for finals night has increased to 8. That's a 50% chance that we're in the final shake-up at the end of the season.
Also a 'One Set Wonder' night has been arranged in which every team turns up and plays a set against each of the teams from the opposing group. That's 8 games in one night and a social afterwards.

I'm not sure if this is good or bad news, The fixture computer has given us a massive 3 week mid-season break. At least we can't complain about bad results due to tiredness!


Saturday, 11 September 2010

Final Taster Session report: 9th September 2010

The final taster session was held on a date when 'The Awful Dodgers' should have been making their league debut.

However, various circumstances coluded to cause me  to pull the date for fear of not being able to field a strong team.

These included:
  • James Blackmore not knowing when his curry night was
  • The Murray's not knowing when their life time friends were staying at their house.
  • The Murray's being vague about their return date from Canada.
  • Star player Vi Luu being on a climbing course (we can only benefit further from her new skills.)
  • Tristan's commendable trip to climb Mount Kilamanjiro.
  • Jamie Moss' questionable trip to the Outer Hebrides
All of the above are of course forgiven as the taster session gave us a valuable opportunity to blood Dodgeball virgin Fred Pearce and run a scouting report on our first opponents 'The Jammie Dodgers'

Scouting report on the Jammie Dodgers:
Not up to much. Easy 3 points.

The most notable event of this session was courtesy of a Mr Brian Dimitrew of Thunder Bay, Canada.
The foundations of T47 are still shaking from the aftershock of a Dodgeball hit Bri made on some poor young girl's face (please mention that it was by accident. Brian's Dodgeball lawyer).

After a period of very basic medical attention from the taster session referee (myself):
"No that's not a black eye. Its your mascara running."
we were able to establish that the poor victim was merely shocked and had not received any brain damage. She had however, as Mr D. later pointed out, sustained severe BRIAN damage.

The returm of Brian and Melody to Canada is a severe loss to the Awful Dodgers. However we approach the first fixture with renewed confidence.

Bring it on!

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Player Interview 1: Jason Coggles

Jason has the honour of being the first 'AD' to secure victory in the Taster sessions.
Its time for an interview!!!!!!!

As part of The Awful Dodgers attempts to take over the world we will have an on-line presence to coincide with our opening fixture. Exciting stuff!

Player profile:
Name: Jason Coggles
Nickname: Twinkle Toes
Age: more than 30 (.............)
Place of Birth: Somewhere at the end of Felix's foot.
Nationality: English
Profession: Business Travel Consultant
How recruited: Drinks Club
Special Move: The Matrix Swerve

Hi Jason. You triumphantly secured the Dodgers first every victory at the taster session. Left in a 'last man standing' with the odds firmly stacked against you. What was going through your mind?
Aim for the head, protect the balls.

Wow Jason, that's amazing. Thanks for recruiting future Dodgeball Legend Vi Luu to the ranks. You've clearly got an eye for Dodgeball talent. (The AD's Peter Taylor to my Brian Clough.....I'm drunk as I write this). In your opinion what makes a great Dodgeball player?
You have to be very aggressive, ultra competitive and hopefully German.

Dodgeball UK has set its base up in London. Have they they missed a trick by not establishing themselves in your home town of Felixstowe? If you set up a team in Felixstowe what would you call it?
Well parts of the stowe are a bit rough so it would probably result in violence so no trick has been missed there. As for part 2 of the worst question in this interview how about 'Oh we all like to dodge beside the seaside'.?

Having worked for approx. 10 years in the travel industry. Where would you recommend for the 'Awful Dodger's' End of season tour?
If money was no object then an all expenses trip to Vegas. We could follow in the footsteps of not only the dodgeball film gang but also Wayne Rooney and the rest of the England wa*kers that lost us the World Cup again.

Sorry Jason, I've asked you this question before in a different context: We haven't seen your lovely wife since the wedding. Have you killed her again and buried her under yet another patio? If not.....why hasn't she paid any interest in appearing for the 'A. Dodgers'?
My lovely wife is alive and well but will not be appearing in any dodger activities as she believes every time she meets up with you that you are always drunk and trying to hit on her. Fact!'s time for the Awful Dodgers awfully dodgy questions.

What’s the dodgiest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Not strictly eaten but Snake wine in Vietnam. A combination of snakes, scorpions and a dead crow. Apparently it's good for virility and dodgeball.

What’s the dodgiest film you’ve ever seen?
Roadhouse. So awful it ends up being awesome. Patrick Swayze, Rednecks, Kung Fu Fighting and 80's hair do's. What more do you need?

The Artful Dodger was a famous pickpocket. What was the last thing you stole (be honest, within reason!) My wife's heart! (Urgghhh,  though as its still within the first year of marriage we'll let this one go Ed.)

Are you familiar with the work of 1990 Brit Pop Band ‘Dodgy'? If not, what would you recommend as the Dodger's theme tune?
Dodgy were a shocking approximation of the time and I wish never to think of them again so maybe we could have the theme tune to the Benny Hill Show?

See Jason in his pre-season training camp.

On a scale of 1-10. (1 being ‘not at all’, 10 being ‘to the extreme’) How dodgy are you?
I'd say about an 8, aren't all men?

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

'Awful Dodgers' Kit Update: Caps Purchased.

Aparently £8 spent in Primark can gain you 5 flat caps for £1 a piece and then still have £3 to 'splash out' on a special hat for some Awful Dodgerette headgear.
That's correct ladies. I'm really spoling you!

God bless the sweatshops of the world.

Other Kit news:
Waistcoasts: Under review
Scarves: Possible waistcoat replacements.
Flashy 'arty' T-shirts: I've put Meg on the case.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Taster Session Scouting report: 2/9/10

Don't tell anyone, but I've been doing some spying. So if you find this blog has been left unattended for a period of over a week please take the opportunity to check any sports holdalls or backpacks you have lying around to see if there are any of my body parts in them.

Tonight I attended the final Dodgeball UK taster session at T47 under the guise of someone who had volunteered to host a Dodgeball themed hen party on Saturday! To keep up the conceit I will be hosting the most 'talented' players for a post Dodgeball drink. I hope you all appreciate the sacrifices I'm making for the Dodgers.

Oh boy did I receive a harsh wake up call for the Dodger's title aspirations when I witnessed a couple of the teams who will be out competitors next season. The reality dawned when one player through a ball so hard against the wall of the court that it took some of the paint off.

Say this quietly, but I think there's going to be a couple of ultra competitive and super fit Australian and Kiwi based teams terrorising the Dodgeball courts. I'm scared.

The AD's are all about the fun of the game but sweet baby jesus I'd love the dodgers to knotch up a win against these guys. Take a look out for one of the league's newest characterswho will be stealthily pacing the technical areas of a Dodgeball court near you wearing a sharp suit and salon coiffured hair. It looks like Dodgeball has found its own Jose Mourinho.

I kid you not, one of the teams turned up with a coach who shouted tactics at his team and harangued the referee every time he missed a key decision. I'm already planning to get involved in a media spat with him as we play mind games at squeaky bum time.

On the plus side a team called the Jammie Dodgers has joined the league and seem even more dis-organised than us. So I think we might stay off the bottom of the league. Fingers crossed.

Steve checks out the opposition.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

The Awful Dodgers and Match Fixing

Hello Dodgers,

Sorry to sound grave, but its time to take sport seriously.

With the current furore engulfing the 'tea, scones and the odd cheeky smoke when you're waiting to bat' world of rain drenched cricket. I think that, with the upcoming Dodgeball season upon us, it is an appropriate time to outline 'The Awful Dodgers' policy on bookmakers, spread betting and match fixing.


Anyone found guilty of nefarious dealings will be dealt with in the strictest and most brutal methods available to us under British law.

It follows that: if a shady businessman or 'fake sheikh' (Mark, I've got my eye on you) offers anyone £150K to either, 'deliberately miss', 'drop a catch' 'walk into a ball' or 'step out of the court', I urge you to remember what the kids from Grange Hill told you. JUST SAY NO!

That's pretty conclusive I think.

However, should said businessman prove to be particularly persistent, the Dodger's venue of choice for clandestine meetings is the pool room at the Wickham Arms, Brockley. Please ensure that all proceedings are filmed in even smudgier footage than can be produced by the camera on my cheap 'free-with-the contract' mobile phone. Otherwise the News of the World won't run with it.

Flat Caps don't come cheap these days.

I hope this clears everything up.

Don't talk to this man........about anything!