"Walkover and a Winter Wonder catch!"

"Dodgeball's fly, are you dipping?
On the court, don't be tripping,
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight,
Watching a 'Winter' Wonder catch"

On announcement of the Awful Dodger's final team line-up for the last group fixture's of the season, Dodgeball pundits all over the country raised eyebrows and questioned the chances of our success in any of the evening's fixtures.

Noting that the Dodger's usually favour the muscular presence of J.Blackmore (injury) J Murray (work commitments) and the precision of T.Cuthbert (gig) and L.Robin (work) and the tactical genius of J.Coggles (gig) the 'experts' opinions seemed valid. The less said about Rob's excuse (needed for the work football team) the better!

What could not be denied of the squad tonight was that they had heart, enthusiasm, girl power and commitment ...and in my case, a very bruised knee.

The team for Thursday was:
A. Bono, V.Luu, K.Winter, S.Barrett, E.Pearce and our regular ringer and CBBC presenter J.Turner (get yourself  and any kids down to the Vaudville Theatre, London this chrimbo http://www.pottedpanto.com/)

Match 1: v Dick 'n' Balls

The team were pumped and ready to 'suck it to' Dick 'n' Balls. The warm up even included me unexpectedly getting a lot of head(shots). However it seemed apparent that D'n'B had put in limp no-show. We'd won by default!!! However, after a friendly against Auschweichen Kugel, it became clear that it wasn't time for any 'premature celebration'. We had a real game to win.

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Dick 'n' Balls 0 (Walkover)

The 'victory; against DnB was a welcome bonus as it was a game we would have probably struggled to win with even our strongest line-up. Having already qualified for finals night it appeared they were above turning out against the so-called lower lights of the league. Ausweichen Kugel on the other hand proved to us that their 2 wins over us were no fluke by beating us a 3rd time. The friendly was most notable for the appearance on the opposition of the 'Awful Dodgers' top transfer target Karen Jeff who will hopefully be appearing for us next season to replace Vi.
Karen: We're not usually that bad!!!

Match 2:  v Can't Dodge This

Lying 2nd bottom of the league, but having achieved something we'd failed to do in beating the Jammie Dodger's twice, 'Can't Dodge This 'weren't to be underestimated one bit.

This assumption was to be proved worryingly accurate as they quickly went 1-0 having clearly learnt some valuable lessons from their first Dodgeball season. It was now time for the Awful Dodgers to show some mettle. The 2nd set proved to be hardly fought and probably one of the most exciting games of Dodgeball the Awful Dodgers had played.

When you're on court its always hard to see what other people are achieving, so forgive me in glorying in my application of one of Dodgeball's finest underhand tactics, 'hiding a ball behind your back'. Having seen Vi last week become the first Dodger to pioneer this move last week with the 'red ball' being the owner of a significantly larger arse I decided to try this move out with a full size ball. The result? This treat worked a treat as I eliminated CDT's best player who briefly complained that I'd "cheated" before realising that it was perfectly within the rules.
Game on and having been eliminated myself shortly afterwards by a stinging nut shot I had a grandstand seat to bear witness to one of the finest moments of the A.Dodger's first season.
The final seconds were ticking away and the dosger's were down by one when much to the team's horror Vi took a potentially game losing hit. Crikey!
As the ball looped towards the flow and the witnessing Dodger's realised they were slumping to a season ending defeat, in a fraction of a second, it became clear that there was still hope. The cry went up of "Catch It".

In year's to come when they make 'The Awful Dodger's: The Movie', Kyla Winter's role will probably be played by Keira Knightly's prettier younger sister and even then, this scene will be be filmed using a stunt woman. It will also be in High Definition, 3D Slow Motion and possibly even smellivison.

However I saw it in real time and it was very impressive! Kyla launched herself forward to grab the ball milliseconds before it hit the ground. The clock hit zero and the Awful Dodger's were back in the game!

The deciding set was another entertaining affair and through  mixed of euphoria and discipline the AD's saw of a slightly dispirited CDT to achieve a vital 100% record for the evening.

Well done everyone!

Awful Dodgers 2 Can't Dodge This 1

Awful Dodger's light up T47 prior to Fireworks night.

Be warned. I'm going to attempt as many firework puns in this e-mail as is humanly possible. This could blow up in my face. Someone might get burned.

Match 1: v Opium Addicted Chinamen
What better way to start a bonfire night evening than to play a team claiming to be representative of the country that gave the world gunpowder? With the OAC one place above us in the table everyone knew a win was vital and we had been plotting for victory. The Dodger's exploded out the traps whizz-banging to a one nil lead in record time. At one point a saw some excellent teamwrk from the Dodger's when two of our boys expertly took out one of their girls with a co-ordinated attack. She'd been scorched by a 'Guy Fork'(s)!!!!
In days of yore, when I walked to university everyday in Sheffield, I passed one of the city's most iconic  and ugliest landmarks. The Chinese Fireworks Company factory (pictured). Everyday I did the same thing. I crossed at the traffic lights to the other side of the road in order to keep a wide berth of the crumbling edifice in case something blew up.....(It was a strange place and you never saw the local factory workers around town...no doubt if you had walker into their staff bar as a stranger there would have been raised eyebrows....if they hadn't all brunt them off!)
Unfortunately it was this desire for self preservation that led the Dodger's flame to be doused in the 2nd set.
A lack of team organisation led to a slow start and the team were caught unawares like a man guarding 36 barrels in a cellar underneath the House of Lords. The AD's own little sparkler, Kyla Winter, was left to glow for a few brief seconds before the OAC turned up with a metaphorical bucket of sand and extinguished her resistance.
The third set saw some the phoenix rise from any dying embers in the form of a key catch from Tristan Cuthbert. We had our first win in 6 games.

Awful Dodgers 2 Opium Addicted Chinamen 1







Match 2: v SWAT
It was never going to be easy against that Towering Inferno of SWAT, but despite the result and some encouraging play from our own firefighter 'Fred Adair' we put ourselves into a position to take a set of the league leaders. Unfortunately things started to go wrong when Laurent took a shot in the 'Roman Candles and Catherine Wheels' only to leave emergency substitute and team captain, Steve Barrett, to "piss on his own Bonfire" when he dollied up an east catch to the a SWAT team who were burning out. Sorry!

Awful Dodgers 0 SWAT 2

Match 3:  v Bad Balls Inc
If Laurent had 'Bad Balls' after his unfortunate mishap in the 2nd game, he certainly didn't show it in the 3rd.
Pitched in a vital game, against a team who had it a hot streak of form, the rocket arms of the Awful Dodger's heavy artillery  fired with deafening ferocity in our most competitive game yet. Bad Balls Inc were a decent side, but they didn't reckon on our secret weapon! My knobby knee!
Once ("accidentally, Steve!"....AD lawyer) in the side of the head of the star player (and Ron 'Weasley lookalike) of BBI the games turned. With time running our and the Dodger's on top we showed some rare tactical nous and played time out.....well that was until Jason Coggles went for a glory shot in the dying seconds and nearly got caught. Much to the disgust of his fellow last man standing and team captain. Fortunately the red hot fire of Jason's launch singed the palms of the waiting catcher and the Dodger's had sealed another vital win.

Awful Dodgers 2 Bad Balls Inc. 0

Back to the bar for toffee apples and candy floss. Good luck next week!

Clean Sweep For Awful Dodgers!

For those sports fans  in boring desk jobs, who spend their work days vicariously living their sporting dreams through the news feed of the BBC Sport web-site, the 16th September 2010 was a sad day. Cricket legend, and pedalo hirer's worst nightmare, Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff announced his retirement from all forms of cricket. The people's champion all-drinking all-rounder is a sad loss to the the UK's sporting tradition.

However fame's finger is notoriously fickle and a vacancy was created for some new sporting legend to fill the void......its just so happened that on that same day, in the little known indoors sporting venue of T47 tucked under the railway arches of London Bridge station, some pretenders to the crown staked their claim.

'The Awful Dodgers' made their long awaited debut in the Dodgeball UK London Premier League (of London).

In the early days of Flintoff's career he acquired the nickname of "Freddie" deriving from a combination of a lazy journalist's loose grap of alliteration and his resemblances in baulk to the Hanna-Barbara cartoon hero "Fred Flintstone". The "Awful Dodger's had an answer. In James "Blackdog" Blackmore and Ladywell's own John "Monster" Murray they provided  two new sporting hero's with rocket arms and imposing physique. Jason Coggles, with his self imbued nickname of 'Twinkle Toes' even provided some artistic bedrock to the Dodgers squad with visions of Flintstone's infamous bowling run-up.

Flat Caps distributed, trousers torn and 'soot' applied we were ready for battle.

v The Jammie Dodgers
V.Luu, K.Winter, R.Sugden, S.Barrett, J.Murray, J.Coggles

Formed by an invitee to the Dodger's fold, whom so enthused by the idea of Dodgeball,  went off and formed her own team, the JDs provided the ADs with an instant grudge match. Trash had been talked. The Jammie Dodger's had threatned to cause the Awful dodger's to crumble in their presence.

It turned out that  Jammie Dodger's could not rely on luck alone. The JD's showed less resistance than a Rich Tea biscuit dunked in a scalding cup of tea than any glorified jam sandwich.

The Awful Dodger's ran out easy 2-0 winners in a game only notable for J.Murray's 'friendly fire' attack on the back of Twinkle Toes head. Thankfully own goals are not yet recognised in the Dodgeball rulebook.

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Jammie Dodgers 0

v The Opium Addicted China Men
K.Winter, S.Barrett, J.Murray, J.Blackmore, L.Robin, E.Pearce

The OAD beat the Awful Dodger's hands down in one sense. Their silk gowns and chop- stick hair accessories put our Chimney Sweep Primark costume's firmly into place. These guys were taking Dodgeball seriously.

Fortunately, the drug of victory, was still solidly pumping through the veins of the Awful Dodger's and in a game, that often threatened to sway too and throw, was wrapped up by the Dodger's in another 2-0 victory. However, make no mistake, the Opium Addicted China Men showed definite signs of waking from torpor and are expected to improve. Our next meeting is eagerly anticipated.

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Opium Addicted China Men 0

v Can't Dodge This
v V.Luu, J.Coggles, R.Sugden, J.Blackmore, L.Robin, E.Pearce

 C.D.T. (as well as being my worst subject at school) proved the most disappointing team in terms of costume. Printed t-shirts, face make-up and oriental gowns were sadly lacking from a team that should have promised over-sized baggy trousers. With captain Steven Barrett sitting this one out the sidelines the Awful Dodgers were briefly thrown into confusion by the lack of MC Hammer influence on the C.D.T. Our primary tactic of shouting "Stop" - taking out the entire team with dodgeball's as they froze - and then calling "Hammer Time" to witness them waking up bemused from their 1990 hip-hop coma - had been blown out of the water.

Instead school boy errors crept in, most notably, when Fred attempted an ill-advised catch around his ankles. His explanation in the bar afterwards?

"I was trying to create a distraction, giving my teammates an opportunity to attack, but they just shook their heads and tutted"

 was forgiven as more great team work lead to a comfortable victory. This despite one member of the C.D.T. repeatedly defying the very meaning of her team's name. Well played!

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Can't Dodge This 0

3 wins out of 3 are figures Freddie wouldn't have sniffed at. A enormously encouraging show of teamwork by the inaugral Awful Dodgers. In tribute to Andy F, many celebration jugs of beer were consumed in T47's bar afterwards. At one point it looked like Mark Skyes (Chief cheerleader and dodgeball hooligan) would head the team towards the locally moored Golden Hinde, pull anchor, and sail for Gillingham.

Thankfully that never happened. Instead next week holds some truly tougher tests including a potential top of the table clash against SWAT and the opportunity to pit my wit's against the now infamous 'Dodgeball Mourinho'.




A historic moment. The Awful Dodger's line up for their first match



Jason and Vii prepare for battle.

Steve delivers a last minute pep talk

Next Team Line Up

Its what we've all been waiting for. Apologies to anyone is interested and hasn't heard much from me. I realised about a week ago that I'd overbooked by making too many promises. I'll try and make sure everyone who wants to play gets a game at some point. Hopefully the numbers will stack up.

v The Jammie Dodgers
Vi Luu, Jason Coggles, Steven Barrett, John Murray, Kayla Winter, Robert Sugden

v The Opium Addicted China Men
Kayla Winter, James Blackmore (or Alexandra Bono), Laurent Robin, Robert Sugden, John Murray, Fred Pearce

v Can't Dodge This
Vi Luu, James Blackmore (or Alexandra Bono), Laurent Robin, Jason Coggles, Steven Barrett, Fred Pearce

1st Reserve: Alexandra Bono (James is looking decidedly shaky for Thursday, I will know by Tuesday.)

Teams subject to change (if people turn up late)

'The Awful Dodgers' putting the Awe into Aw(e)ful! - Taster session report‏

Well, Wow Dodgers, what can I say?

An amazingly good time was had by all in the AD's inaugural outing at the Dodgeball UK taster sessions.

I lost count of how many games we won. All I know is that we didn't lose or draw any!
A very well rounded performance from all squad members bodes well for the upcoming pursuit of the league title.

Honourable mentions go to:
Jason: who individually sealed the AD's first victory and will therefore go down forever in AD history.
Vi: Winner of the 'last player standing' at the end of the evening and earning the Campari Cup!
Rob: Runner-Up in Last Player standing (so therefore, by default, the 'Last man standing'.)
A big up to Tristan and John for some mean throwing and dainty dodging.
A huge welcome to Kayla our newest recruit.

And as for me. Well the huge yellow streak that runs through the Barrett genetic make-up actually proved to be useful in Dodgeball. As I cowered at the back of the court crying like a weak girlie jelly. The opposition teams gradually self-imploded. Leaving me on court as an important ball gatherer during the vital end game.
I sure can dodge, but I really need to work on my 'unheld hosepipe' of a throwing arm.

Next time it gets competitive!

Steve