"Walkover and a Winter Wonder catch!"

"Dodgeball's fly, are you dipping?
On the court, don't be tripping,
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight,
Watching a 'Winter' Wonder catch"

On announcement of the Awful Dodger's final team line-up for the last group fixture's of the season, Dodgeball pundits all over the country raised eyebrows and questioned the chances of our success in any of the evening's fixtures.

Noting that the Dodger's usually favour the muscular presence of J.Blackmore (injury) J Murray (work commitments) and the precision of T.Cuthbert (gig) and L.Robin (work) and the tactical genius of J.Coggles (gig) the 'experts' opinions seemed valid. The less said about Rob's excuse (needed for the work football team) the better!

What could not be denied of the squad tonight was that they had heart, enthusiasm, girl power and commitment ...and in my case, a very bruised knee.

The team for Thursday was:
A. Bono, V.Luu, K.Winter, S.Barrett, E.Pearce and our regular ringer and CBBC presenter J.Turner (get yourself  and any kids down to the Vaudville Theatre, London this chrimbo http://www.pottedpanto.com/)

Match 1: v Dick 'n' Balls

The team were pumped and ready to 'suck it to' Dick 'n' Balls. The warm up even included me unexpectedly getting a lot of head(shots). However it seemed apparent that D'n'B had put in limp no-show. We'd won by default!!! However, after a friendly against Auschweichen Kugel, it became clear that it wasn't time for any 'premature celebration'. We had a real game to win.

Result: Awful Dodgers 2 Dick 'n' Balls 0 (Walkover)

The 'victory; against DnB was a welcome bonus as it was a game we would have probably struggled to win with even our strongest line-up. Having already qualified for finals night it appeared they were above turning out against the so-called lower lights of the league. Ausweichen Kugel on the other hand proved to us that their 2 wins over us were no fluke by beating us a 3rd time. The friendly was most notable for the appearance on the opposition of the 'Awful Dodgers' top transfer target Karen Jeff who will hopefully be appearing for us next season to replace Vi.
Karen: We're not usually that bad!!!

Match 2:  v Can't Dodge This

Lying 2nd bottom of the league, but having achieved something we'd failed to do in beating the Jammie Dodger's twice, 'Can't Dodge This 'weren't to be underestimated one bit.

This assumption was to be proved worryingly accurate as they quickly went 1-0 having clearly learnt some valuable lessons from their first Dodgeball season. It was now time for the Awful Dodgers to show some mettle. The 2nd set proved to be hardly fought and probably one of the most exciting games of Dodgeball the Awful Dodgers had played.

When you're on court its always hard to see what other people are achieving, so forgive me in glorying in my application of one of Dodgeball's finest underhand tactics, 'hiding a ball behind your back'. Having seen Vi last week become the first Dodger to pioneer this move last week with the 'red ball' being the owner of a significantly larger arse I decided to try this move out with a full size ball. The result? This treat worked a treat as I eliminated CDT's best player who briefly complained that I'd "cheated" before realising that it was perfectly within the rules.
Game on and having been eliminated myself shortly afterwards by a stinging nut shot I had a grandstand seat to bear witness to one of the finest moments of the A.Dodger's first season.
The final seconds were ticking away and the dosger's were down by one when much to the team's horror Vi took a potentially game losing hit. Crikey!
As the ball looped towards the flow and the witnessing Dodger's realised they were slumping to a season ending defeat, in a fraction of a second, it became clear that there was still hope. The cry went up of "Catch It".

In year's to come when they make 'The Awful Dodger's: The Movie', Kyla Winter's role will probably be played by Keira Knightly's prettier younger sister and even then, this scene will be be filmed using a stunt woman. It will also be in High Definition, 3D Slow Motion and possibly even smellivison.

However I saw it in real time and it was very impressive! Kyla launched herself forward to grab the ball milliseconds before it hit the ground. The clock hit zero and the Awful Dodger's were back in the game!

The deciding set was another entertaining affair and through  mixed of euphoria and discipline the AD's saw of a slightly dispirited CDT to achieve a vital 100% record for the evening.

Well done everyone!

Awful Dodgers 2 Can't Dodge This 1

Awful Dodger's light up T47 prior to Fireworks night.

Be warned. I'm going to attempt as many firework puns in this e-mail as is humanly possible. This could blow up in my face. Someone might get burned.

Match 1: v Opium Addicted Chinamen
What better way to start a bonfire night evening than to play a team claiming to be representative of the country that gave the world gunpowder? With the OAC one place above us in the table everyone knew a win was vital and we had been plotting for victory. The Dodger's exploded out the traps whizz-banging to a one nil lead in record time. At one point a saw some excellent teamwrk from the Dodger's when two of our boys expertly took out one of their girls with a co-ordinated attack. She'd been scorched by a 'Guy Fork'(s)!!!!
In days of yore, when I walked to university everyday in Sheffield, I passed one of the city's most iconic  and ugliest landmarks. The Chinese Fireworks Company factory (pictured). Everyday I did the same thing. I crossed at the traffic lights to the other side of the road in order to keep a wide berth of the crumbling edifice in case something blew up.....(It was a strange place and you never saw the local factory workers around town...no doubt if you had walker into their staff bar as a stranger there would have been raised eyebrows....if they hadn't all brunt them off!)
Unfortunately it was this desire for self preservation that led the Dodger's flame to be doused in the 2nd set.
A lack of team organisation led to a slow start and the team were caught unawares like a man guarding 36 barrels in a cellar underneath the House of Lords. The AD's own little sparkler, Kyla Winter, was left to glow for a few brief seconds before the OAC turned up with a metaphorical bucket of sand and extinguished her resistance.
The third set saw some the phoenix rise from any dying embers in the form of a key catch from Tristan Cuthbert. We had our first win in 6 games.

Awful Dodgers 2 Opium Addicted Chinamen 1







Match 2: v SWAT
It was never going to be easy against that Towering Inferno of SWAT, but despite the result and some encouraging play from our own firefighter 'Fred Adair' we put ourselves into a position to take a set of the league leaders. Unfortunately things started to go wrong when Laurent took a shot in the 'Roman Candles and Catherine Wheels' only to leave emergency substitute and team captain, Steve Barrett, to "piss on his own Bonfire" when he dollied up an east catch to the a SWAT team who were burning out. Sorry!

Awful Dodgers 0 SWAT 2

Match 3:  v Bad Balls Inc
If Laurent had 'Bad Balls' after his unfortunate mishap in the 2nd game, he certainly didn't show it in the 3rd.
Pitched in a vital game, against a team who had it a hot streak of form, the rocket arms of the Awful Dodger's heavy artillery  fired with deafening ferocity in our most competitive game yet. Bad Balls Inc were a decent side, but they didn't reckon on our secret weapon! My knobby knee!
Once ("accidentally, Steve!"....AD lawyer) in the side of the head of the star player (and Ron 'Weasley lookalike) of BBI the games turned. With time running our and the Dodger's on top we showed some rare tactical nous and played time out.....well that was until Jason Coggles went for a glory shot in the dying seconds and nearly got caught. Much to the disgust of his fellow last man standing and team captain. Fortunately the red hot fire of Jason's launch singed the palms of the waiting catcher and the Dodger's had sealed another vital win.

Awful Dodgers 2 Bad Balls Inc. 0

Back to the bar for toffee apples and candy floss. Good luck next week!